I Hate Myself for Losing You
by bw2005
Summary: ok so this starts around the end of the episode the real paul anka. i refuse to let rory not go out with jess. logan just sucks. roryjess


**Ok so I refuse to believe that Rory and Jess do not get together. They are soul mates! So here is my fic of what actually happens in the last episode The Real Paulinka or I think that's its name. Please R&R. I am thinking of making this into a story instead of a one shot so we'll just see how it goes.**

As he kissed me i was in complete and utter bliss but i was revolted at what i was doing to him.I broke the kiss. I hated myself for hurting him, why did i rory gilmore always find a way to stop myself with him?

"Jess i just cant do this to you..."

"rory what do you mean? you've broken up with that loser boyfriend of yours and..." Why does she have that look, that look i have seen o so many times on her face?

He knows... Oh i will hate myself for this... "Jess i am still with Logan and this is so not fair to you." oh no, he's devastated i just know it.

"what do you mean you haven't broke up with him? I thought you said that you have fixed everything Rory. Don't you see that he is part of the problem! He doesn't care If your doing what you love to do or not, he doesn't care is you just throw your life away. As long as your with him he is happy. Rory a relationship goes to ways. Logan doesn't care if you just do what ever! He let you quit school. He let you give up your dream! What kind of guy does that! Rory I am not saying this just so you will break up with him and go back out with me. I am saying this because I just don't think this guy cares enough about you to deserve you!" If she doesn't get that then she will never give up on him.

Gosh what does he mean? Logan loves me and I love him I mean he may have cheated on me but he still loves me. Right? Why would he do this to me? Well I did try to use him to get back at Logan but….. "Listen jess Logan cares about me. And who are you to say any of those things, a relationship does go to ways. But you never were that perfect when we were going out either were you? No. you cant judge him."

She's a gonner. He's brain washed her or something. Why do I have to love her so much. Why cant I just let it go. "If you feel that way then there is no convincing you. But I want to ask you something. Why did you come here if you are still with him?"

Oh no… If I tell him he cheated on me he'll just go off on another rant. But he deserves to know… "Jess I came here because well because I was going to cheat on Logan with you. Because he cheated on me. He slept with all these other women…. I'm just gonna go…" I am getting out of here.

What? That little bastard cheated on her! Why in the hell would she still be going out with him! Why is she running out the door? Oh no I have made her cry. Again.

Keys keys keys ahh here they are ok now just get the door open and you'll be ok alright lets go come on.

Rory drove back to her apartment and when she got there Logan was at the Kitchen table waiting.

Why doesn't she love me? I love her I have to just get over it go on. Maybe I'll have another beer. No better not Rory doesn't like it when I get drunk…. Again with Rory who cares she doesn't love me! But I do love her……

"what are you doing back so early?" I asked Logan crossly.

"I came back to apologize and beg for your forgiveness. I love you rory but I cant go on with you still being mad at me!"

"listen I just don't see how if you love me then how were you able to cheat on me! I mean why didn't you just moan and moap in your room? Why did you have to sleep with every one of your sisters friends!"

" I was hurt and lonely I needed some one and you weren't there."

What? He was lonely oh is that it? doesn't he think I was lonely ? Gosh what is his problem?

"Why don't we just talk about this over some dinner ok? We'll stay here and fix something?" Logan looked at her and she melted. The eyes……there nothing like jess' eyes though… whoa time out were did that come from?

"Alright."

They fixed dinner and Logan was setting the table when Rory decided to turn on the radio. She flipped the dial to her favorite station and turned the volume up.

"_I hate myself for loosin' you I'm seeing it all so clear I -"_

Jess was still moaping around his apartment. All of his friends had tried to get him to come out but none was successful. He decided it was time to buck up. Be a man. What ever that load of shit meant. He decided to read a book. That always was fun. Just to get lost in some one elses world. He flipped the radio on.

"_I hate myself for loosin you o and I don't know what to do not sure that ill pull through I wish you new I hate myself for loosing you-"_

Oh great just the music I need. Depressing.

Thoughts sprung up in Rory's mind.

"Logan why didn't you stop me from quiting school?"

"well it was your choice I mean I don't care what you do. As long as we are together."

O my gosh that's exactly what jess said. What if he was right of everything else? What if he really doesn't love me?

They went on with dinner silently. All they could hear was the radio.

"_oooo I don't know what to do-"_

I really don't know what to do.

"_I wish you knew-"_

Do I wish that jess knew what I am thinking? I think I love jess not Logan.

Finally the end of the song came.

"_I hate myself for loosin…………. You."_

I Love Jess. Oh no.

"Logan its over."

" What rory I thought we were gonna think this through I thought we were gonna talk-"

" I am threw with thinking and all that other shit. You don't love me you wouldn't have been able to go through with cheating on me then."

With that rory went to the bedroom and got all of her stuff. She got everything that belonged to her. And after fighting off Logan one last time, she left. She got into her car and started driving to Philadelphia.

Damn I wish rory hated herself for loosing me. I would never take her back. Whoa who in the hell is ringing the door bell no one rings the door bell anymore. Gosh.

What am I going to say to him. He's bound to be furious, more than furios with me.

What is taking him so long to answer the door?

Gosh cant people see that I am trying to wollow in my misery. I want to just be left alone. I might as well go and get the door.

Come on jess I have to see you I need to tell you that I love you and I cant live with out you and…….. There you are.

Gosh damn door sticks all the time. Oh my god its rory. "what are you doing here?"

that's all I can say I am physically disabled I cant say any thing mean or hateful. I love this woman.

"I….. I have to talk to you." gosh he is beautiful. I hope I can tell this all to him with out crying. I am going to tell him everything. I am going to tell him the truth. in." what in the heck does she want to talk to me about I mean, what is there to talk about?……… I hope it isn't about Logan the invalid.

Ok he is going to let me talk to him. Yes thank the lord. Ok sitting on his couch… why do I have to be so nervous? " ok I have to tell you something and I just realized it when I got home and I drove all the way back over there to tell you so don't interrupt me just let me say this through, ok?" please say yes please say yes….

"ok." I am so weireded out by this what is she talking about? What is she going to tell me?

He found out just then. She told him everything she thought, felt, everything starting from her drive home to her drive there.

"………………and now I am here. Jess I heard that song on the radio and I just new that I couldn't live with out you. Jess I love you." why does he have that look on his face? Does he hate me for this?

Oh my gosh what am I supposed to say to her? I love you to? No that is to….just no no. um…. I could pull a star wars and say 'I no' but I didn't know…..

"well ummmm what do you think? I kinda would like to know what your thinking because you know I just poured my heart out to you and…." just say something jess anything!

"I………… I truthfully don't know what to say. Rory when you were out of my life I was lonely I didn't feel whole. I couldn't go out with any one else. I couldn't like another girl, I new that you were the one for me. And, and well I guess I still feel the same way. Rory I……. I guess I love you to." God that was corny. Why couldn't I say anything else? Any thing more romantic?

"Jess I think this is going to work out."

And with that she kissed him. They stayed like that kissing as long as possible. They had missed each other so much. And to find out that they both loved each other well they just had to express what they were feeling in another way than words. Finally they broke the kiss and jess said " well lets go get your bags out of your car. You can stay here tonight."

"that would be lovely."

**Ha! Yes it is finished! I hope everyone liked it. I just had to make a different ending to the last episode…………. I am thinking of continuing it as an actual story. Tell me what you think. Please review! **

**bw2005**


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